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You’re falling hard, deep in love, but then you get hit with the news that your spouse is taking a long distance job or that you two are now forced to work opposite schedules…what do you do?
Everyone wants to make a relationship work and very few make maximum effort to actually stabilize strains in their relationships.
I’ve had these strains in the past and continuously go through these strains within the past 4 years of my relationship. Fortunately, my spouse and I have figured out some crucial behaviors needed to survive these relationship curve balls.
One of the toughest times in our relationship was when I decided to go back to graduate school and my husband was out of state for work for months at a time. It felt like my world was crashing, yes I was dramatic, but my constant need for contact and touch of my spouse was needed. Some may say that contact isn’t necessarily a deal breaker in their relationship, which can be absolutely true based on your love language (if you have no idea what your love language is be sure to check out this MUST HAVE book for any relationship).
Even if your lover works eons apart from you or if you barely see your spouse because you work the morning shifts and they work the graveyard, it doesn’t mean that balance can’t be accomplished.
Suffice to say, I finished grad school strong and our relationship strengthened as well! I want to share with you a few tips and behaviors we’ve adopted and currently use to help us through our opposite schedules.
Check in no matter what
When my hubby and I worked the same shift and he wasn’t home the time he said he would be, I’d check in to ensure his safety. Call it paranoid but checking in communicated to him that I cared and it was thoughtful. He did the same for me. He often calls to let me know that he misses me or to check to see how I’m doing if I had a longer than expected day at work or if I’m running a little late to get home. Now that you two won’t be able to see one another as frequently the check ins should increase. A little text to say “I’m thinking of you” or a simple voicemail to tell her that you’ve made her favorite dessert waiting for her when she gets home, helps to gel those missing pieces together in the relationship.
Keep the love notes going!
I know my husband works really hard and if he could, he’d be home with me and our family as long as he could. Because no deed goes unnoticed I typically leave notes on the mirror or his favorite place (his bed side) letting him know how much I appreciate him. Notes of gratitude and love help to raise awareness in your relationship. You may think your significant other knows you appreciate them but there’s nothing wrong with saying it out loud or in this case writing it down so they can enjoy an unexpected smile.
Schedule purposeful time together
Some couples may not understand the importance in this but it’s crucial when you have entered a relationship that has distance or time between you two. Scheduled purposeful dates sends the message “our time is scared” both to yourselves and external parties. Sure your friends may start to complain that all you do is spend time with your significant other on the weekends but it’s necessary! There is a different kind of attention needed to cultivate long lasting loving relationships versus your typical friendship. I’m not suggesting that you write your friends off but I am suggesting that you make a conscious decision to plan a date or a decadent at home meal with your better half to keep the sparks going!
Communicate your differences
You may wonder why I’ve included this in the list, and here’s why:
When my husband and I were apart due to work for long periods of time I tried to not bring up any complaints I had with hopes that the contentment I maintained would make the relationship easier due to the strain the was already placed on the relationship.
When I did this it only falsified my happiness making the relationship feel less than authentic. When we actually started to communicate things that didn’t work in our relationship and things we needed to work on, it made our relationship less permeable to others who tried to dictate what should occur to fix our issues. After all, real relationships have problems and differences and we shouldn’t let times and schedules fabricate our real world problems.
Embrace and reframe the concept of opposite schedules
Working opposite schedules or being miles apart from your spouse doesn’t have to be a horrible thing. The two of you have decided to make amazing career choices that will provide a better future for your relationship so don’t allow your schedules to paint permanent scowl on your faces. Instead, try to view it as ample self care and preparation time before you two physically meet again. When my spouse was away I had way more time to go to the gym, engage in shopping and read great books. All of these things could have been accomplished when he was home but at a much smaller scale due to the attention we provided one another. Time apart is really time for yourself and in that time learn to love yourself so that you can love your partner. Just remember absence makes the heart grow fonder, so embrace it!
Have you ever been in this sort of relationship before? Are you struggling with your long distant relationship? I help to provide couples counseling in Connecticut. Book your free Consult with me today!
